From the moment my husband came into the bedroom door, and said nothing, I knew I needed to remember my son.
Firstly, I wanted to light a candle. Something in me made me want to light a candle for the child I lost, and so Ryan, my husband, went searching for my favorite candle and we burned it. We realized after a while it wasn’t cost effective to burn this candle, so we moved to nice IKEA pillar candles that burned for 70+ hours. We also knew, it wasn’t feasible to keep a candle burning for months, so we had to move to a more permanent solution.
Also, let me clear this up, no, I didn’t know the gender, but I feel God revealed to me I had a son, so after calling him lil peanut from the beginning, we did look through our name book (same book we found our daughter’s name in) and we gave him a fitting name.
Parker means Spiritual Light and comes from Matthew 5:14,
You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.
So, we had a candle burning and we gave him a name, but I felt a stirring and it seemed my husband did too.
“I feel like for the past two months God has been preparing me for a tattoo,” Ryan said.
Now, early in our dating, I always said I wouldn’t count tattoos out, that they have to be meaningful if I’d ever get them, but Joe always had a strong, resounding NO when it came to tattoos, so this was big.
“So we get tattoos!” I exclaimed
Since we lost Parker, we struggled to understand why we were able to hear his heartbeat. Why were we able to get a picture of our lil peanut, only to lose him days later. We believe God gave us that sonogram so we had a permanent reminder that he was real. The 20 days we knew him, he was a treasured life that has, and will make an impact on many.
So, candle is burning, his name is chosen, and we have this sonogram, and we’ve decided we’ll get tattoos. I quickly remember my good friend from middle school, JD, is an artist who also does tattoos.
I messaged JD on facebook, hoping he remembers me, and not middle school me, asking if we can get together to talk about creating tattoos to remember our son. He remembers me and sets us up for a consultation.
Leaving the candle burning, we head to the consultation and discuss the few ideas we have. JD was thoughtful and brought my uncreative ideas to life. We left with ideas he’d draw up and a date for our tattoo session. It just so happened it was the day Ryan already requested off for his birthday, and the only day JD had open for a while, was the day we’d get our tattoos. So again, we just rested in God’s ability to order our steps.
A few days later, JD emailed the drawings over and I was in awe. I sent them off to close friends and they also loved them. I could deeply appreciate an artist’s mind in that moment because JD made everything about my tattoo symbolic, even the way the lines moved. My heart ached thinking about these pieces going on my body. I couldn’t believe these art pieces would be a part of me, and I couldn’t believe these would be the only way I’d carry my son physically on this earth.
I ended up with two tattoos, while Ryan had one.
I wanted Parker’s candle to still shine, so on my side I placed this tattoo. I remember JD explaining it was a continuous line symbolically. I cried as I read that part of the email. My son, Parker, would have everlasting life, and is resting in Heaven, but he is continuously with me.
My second would be in my inner arm, and just simply be Parker’s heartbeat. I wanted people to see it, I wanted people to know the impact my 7 week old baby had. I wanted to rest in solidarity with the women who have also suffered miscarriages.
Ryan’s tattoo was simple, which was kind of the point, so it was Parker’s name and heartbeat, again, signifying we have a son, with a soul, waiting for us in heaven.
Everyday, in everyday events, I find myself looking at my tattoo, wondering. As I introduce myself to others, I show off the heartbeat tattoo. Ryan and I discussed that the candle is really just for us, just a sweet reminder of our sweet son, and it brings comfort. I pray God would let me see Parker in my dreams, and maybe I could add on to my tattoos, but for now, it is well with my soul.
We also planted a Peach Tree in our backyard, something we wanted to do with our first born, but we wanted to watch something grow over time, a physical reminder of the gift of life can be. So, pray that peace tree stays alive with all these storms!
Be good,
Sydney
Also, to see more from my friend and amazing artist, check out his website,
http://www.jdmooreportfolios.com/
