I can’t even begin to believe it’s already been 5 years. It’s a strange feeling, and the body remembers for sure.
I remember starting my blog and instagram in December of 2018 and wondering what God was asking me to do. I realized a few short months later it was to bring the public into one of my most vulnerable times.
I miss that baby a lot.
Sometimes I’m still moved to tears thinking about what could have been. Maybe it’s when my rainbow baby asks for cuddles and I remember to get her I had to lose.
Or when my eldest prays for Parker and I am reminded that she’s missing a sibling.
Or maybe it’s in the internal debate if 3 kids is all we’ll have on this side of heaven.
What I’ve learned in these 5 years is, grief does what it wants. It reminds us of what could have been, it drives us deeper in empathy, or even makes us angry at God for what we think should have happened.
I’ve found that in those five years, God has never failed. He never stopped caring about me and my suffering. He showed me many ways to love from that place of grief. I’ve learned gratitude on a deeper level because of that grief. I also learned how temporary this life can be, and how quickly it can turn.
Do I want Parker now more than ever? Absolutely. But knowing he’s in the arms of His Savior and I soon will see him face to face brings me peace. What my baby who I never laid eyes on, or held, or was able to study the way their toes curled, taught me more than I could have ever expected.
Through losing Parker, I was able to remember the ways people didn’t show up for me, so that I could show up for others. I learned the complexities of motherhood at a deeper level as those around went through IVF, loss of their own, and so much more. I served friends and my communities from that grief, because as they cried, I cried with them, I came the best way I knew how to help them through their sufferings. I am grateful that in the midst of my sorrow, I could stand on my faith, challenge it, doubt it, and God weathered it unmoved by my deep seeded anger and doubt for His ways.
So in short, what did I learn? I learned God is always good.
