As I write this, I write from the point of view of various women, obviously myself included, but I say this to make two things clear. One: many women feel this way and won’t tell you, so if you’re offended by what I’m saying and think I’m wrong, think again. Two: there are women who truly don’t feel the same way I do, nothing’s wrong with that, but again, one of these tips will help, I’m sure of it.
Hi visitors and family members of the new parents! You’re special and mean a lot to the parents and they’re excited for all the memories they’ll make with you by their side. It’s not always easy, but they’re thankful for loving and kind people like you in their life, so, what can you do in those immediately new days (or months)?! Check it out…
- Don’t hold the baby.
- Okay, do hold the baby, but consider this – it’s not the most helpful thing you can do. Seriously. This human didn’t come out of you and the first hours/days/weeks are monumental in bonding for mama and daddy (don’t believe me? The NIH has a study on this). If you hold the baby, be cognizant, read the room. How old is this baby? Is mom nursing? Are others wanting to hold the baby? Is mom hungry? Is Dad hovering? How is mom? Now cuddle that precious baby because I’m sure that baby is adorable.
- Now, is this every mom? No, I have a dear friend who said the moment her son was born she was ready for all the visitors and wanted every to relish in this exciting moment with family and friends close by. I, on the other hand was far more private, asking all visitors (yes, even close family) to wait until after day 3.
- Hey, while you’re at it, don’t kiss that baby. Why? Well, yes, they do have an immune system, during the miraculous event called birth, mama’s body sends a last ‘shot’ of immune boosters on the way out to protect baby, HOWEVER, they’re still a baby and have to get use to the environment. When mama gets home, there will be all types of bacteria and germs the baby will acclimate to, because it’s home, however, you bring in a new set, and you could hurt them. I know, I love and loved kissing my precious baby, but she has my germs, so I can do that, you can not, even if you don’t think you’re sick!
- Okay, do hold the baby, but consider this – it’s not the most helpful thing you can do. Seriously. This human didn’t come out of you and the first hours/days/weeks are monumental in bonding for mama and daddy (don’t believe me? The NIH has a study on this). If you hold the baby, be cognizant, read the room. How old is this baby? Is mom nursing? Are others wanting to hold the baby? Is mom hungry? Is Dad hovering? How is mom? Now cuddle that precious baby because I’m sure that baby is adorable.
- Clean the house, cook food, bring money
- Can’t cook? Sweep the floors, vacuum, do a load of wash, change the sheets, wash the dishes, etc. Can’t cook? Pick up a nutritious meal for the family. Can’t cook and don’t like to clean? Give money! Target gift card, chipotle gift card, a massage for the parents, etc.
- When bringing food, make sure you ask for dietary restrictions and make sure you understand them. I had well meaning friends bring cheese based casseroles after being told I was dairy free, but they didn’t realize cheese was dairy. It’s okay, my husband was fed! If you’d like to go the extra mile, create a meal train! I was truly blessed that my staff at school put together a meal train on mealtrain.com and we were fed for nearly six weeks with the host of people in our life.
- Something to consider; when you bring a meal, try not to add to do the chores list – bring disposable items or easy items. Let them throw it in the oven and forget about it. Bring snacks! Especially if there a nursing mama! From 38 weeks pregnant until about 8 weeks post I had a glass jar of nuts on my nightstand to eat when I’d starve at 2am.
- Truly, wholeheartedly ask the mom how she’s doing
- Seriously. It might be annoying to her but she might need someone to actually ask and want a answer. Baby blues could just be baby blues. Or it could be Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression. A woman just this year 10 miles from me killed herself, so please, ask the mama.
- Support Dad and ensure he’s bonding with baby and mom
- While mom does get number one spot for support baby, number two does go to Dads, because well, they did have a part in it, their part was quite fun, but they’re half the baby, and moms need to shower, take breaks, get their nails, do things that make them human, etc. So ask Dad how’s it going, support him, and lift him up, this position is demanding and ever changing. (Dads, do skin to skin! DO IT!)
- Know the mom or dad well enough to know their limits
- Sometimes, they don’t know what they want, and you may just have to do something that is helpful, I am not saying take the baby (see number 1) but clean, get their groceries, walk the dog, or maybe don’t even come over. Are their texts drier than usual? Are they speaking broadly or using “I guess, Idk” then maybe there’s something else they don’t want you to be apart of.
Mamas, let’s talk tips for you!
- Stay in bed for 40 days
- Alright, I didn’t do this, and most women in America don’t have the capability to do it, so TRY. My midwives begged I did this for a minimum of 2 weeks prior to baby and once I had my girl, they begged for more time. You see, ladies, imagine you’ve skinned your knee, it’s a huge, gushing thing that rips open everytime you move it. Now imagine that huge skinned knee in your uterus, because that’s what it is. When the placenta detaches from the uterus, it doesn’t just shine like new, no, it’s a wound, a big bloody wound that needs to scar and heal. However, if you get up and out of bed, walk everywhere, bend over, squat, etc. you are reopening this giant wound. Your body needs you to heal, or you’ll bleed for longer than you want. So when you’re riding that high around 7-10 days feeling like a million bucks, sit your behind back in bed, that feeling is normal and fleeting. You need to rest still. I did benkung belly binding, and I’m thankful I did because it hard to do a lot in it.
- Clearly tell people what you want
- I mean, yes, people came to see the baby, but who spent 10 months creating that baby and went through the labor? You did, so you matter, even if people forget to check on you and “ooh” and “ahh” over baby. YOU created life, you birthed life, and you need support. It takes a village. Also, look up the “fourth trimester”.
- Stop feeling guilty
- I had my share of folks unhappy with the way my postpartum went, but I am so thankful for how it went. I, for a brief period, felt guilty for some of my choices. Then I realized my choices were backed with reasoning, they were backed by my midwives, science, and most importantly, my husband. We became a family of 3 and at the end of the day when we lay our heads down, it’s us, so take care of your tribe and protect how you can. I truly believe those who didn’t like my choices just didn’t understand, and were looking at things from a different lense. That happens. Everyone won’t agree, but you’re mama bear and papa bear, your choice should be respected.
- Speak out/ find resources
- I was lonely after some time on maternity leave and wondered how I would make mama friends, well, I’m sure you’ve heard of a little thing called google. You see, google lets you, well, google things. Things like, “mom groups” “teacher mom groups” etc. Or what if the baby blues has developed into something else? Google can still help you find multiple resources. We’re blessed here in the metroplex where there are support groups for PPA and PPD and everything between. You can find therapist who have donation boxes so money can’t be a hindrance. You have the resources and you shouldn’t stop yourself from feeling better. Now, it took some time for me to find my groove, and I still desired more from my mom group, so you know what I did? I created one with some friends who felt the same way! What a crazy concept! Create your village and love them, they’ll love you back.
- Stop it. Start
- Stop caring what they think. Stop looking at the labels moms throw on you or themselves. Stop worrying about others minds that you can’t change. Stop comparing yourself. Stop googling. Stop toxic relationships from plaguing your family. Start loving your fine postpartum body. Start doing what is best for your family even if you lack support from others. Start healthy relationships. Start having face to face conversations. Start realizing your a beautiful child of God and He loves you.
- Bonus – drink water!
- Fo real tho. Drink allllllllllllllll the water.
Ok, i’m done. Love y’all.
Be good,
Sydney
This is the best blog ever! Thank you for sharing mama tilger ❤