Random Musings in Loss: I

I wrote an angry post, but that doesn’t help anyone.

I know you’re gone, and it’s no one’s fault. I have some trouble reminding myself that, but at least I can write it down.

I really wonder what you would have been like. I wonder what your hair would have looked like. It’s a fact that you’d look like me, but you’d have your dad’s eyelashes, because well they’re amazing.

I’m tired. I wish I could get past this, but I’m not sure this is something you get ‘past’

However, someone told me something yesterday.

You need to feel all these emotions and remember them

I knew she was right. I do.

I want to rush this process, I was to “keep on keepin on” but maybe that’s not right. Maybe I am supposed to feel this misery to a certain extent to ensure growth. To ensure I actually heal.

I know I read a quote that said something like “If you bury your pain you’ll bleed on others” Others, being people who don’t deserve it because no one does.

I still haven’t been able to leave the house

I went to the chiropractor Wednesday night and before I hit the door I was already sobbing. I can’t believe life keeps going out there, regardless.

This will impact my parenting, won’t it? Right now your sister is being cared for by many, and I am thankful, I would like this cloud to leave me though so I can try and be intentional with her again. She still looks at me with adoration, which lets me know I still matter to her. Yet, I can’t get on the floor with her and play with toys yet, I can’t really let myself be silly with her anymore. It’s tiring trying to do so. I tried tickling her yesterday, it worked, but I really just needed her to laugh so I knew I’d someday laugh with her without hesitation.

Last night while we were putting your sister to sleep, I was giving her a kiss and hug before my shower, and she clung to me. I clung to her. I clung to her because I’m also mourning the loss of her little brother. Ya girl is a boss, so I know she would have taught you many things, but she would have also taught you mischievous things, because, well, she’s in that stage, which is hilarious, well it’s hilarious outside of my current stage.

I also have a notification on my phone that alerted me I was 8 weeks pregnant. I wish there was a package you could buy where all your social media, apps, and emails would get an email saying “I had a miscarriage, all reports of a baby, baby registry, what to expect, ads about pregnancy must cease to exist”

I bloat easily in pregnancy, so I had already turned over my closet. Not sure what to do now. Your dad came home holding the mail, and unbeknownst to him he was holding a package of used maternity clothes I had bought on Poshmark. Instead of being happy he was home, my heart sunk a little with the clothes I wasn’t sure I’d be wearing anytime soon.

I’m glad to report I’m not bitter. A friend had her baby this week and it brought me joy. She had the unmedicated birth she wanted, and I couldn’t be happier for her. Groups I’m in are mixed with life and death, and I feel the same about all of them. I don’t hate the world, I don’t hate pregnant women or multiplying families, I am glad our Father is merciful, and loves us all.

Be good

Sydney